so, when my siblings claim to be depressed, my family freaks out and actually cares a whole bunch. but when i claim to be depressed, they just think i’m overreacting and being crazy or stupid or selfish.
i can never talk to them about it because they’ll just dismiss it as foolishness and think that i’m just victimizing and pitying myself.
who knows? maybe they’re right. maybe i am just victimizing and pitying myself. maybe i am just being overdramatic. maybe i am just being stupid. no use reaching out to them for help. according to what they think, i don’t really need help.
same with everyone else. can’t say a word to anyone. they’ll just think it’s silly. it’s nothing. it isn’t real. it’s just me being my fickle, crazy, weird, self-absorbed, overdramatic self. everyone’s worse off than me anyway. i have so many things to be happy about. so i should be happy. i should be grateful. i should be fine. i should be…but isn’t that what makes it an illness? you should be happy, but you’re sad? you should be fine, but you’re not? you should feel loved, but you don’t? you have reasons to be well, but you do not feel well. and that is what makes it abnormal. that is what makes it an illness…right?…or maybe not. maybe i’m just being dumb.
they’re totally right. i’m not depressed at all. never was. not at all.
…maybe if i repeat that in my mind enough times, i’ll actually start to believe it.
…my crush told me i was cute today.#mc
been awhile since i’ve ballroom danced. feels good to be get back into it for a night. a little bit of salsa was just what i needed. :]#salsanight #utdspycd
that moment when you hang out with Christians and start to feel awkward because they all seem “more Christian” than you.
being a non-music major is weird.
(no offense to people who aren’t music majors…i’m just kinda biased, haha.)
first impressions of the new place:
socially, this campus is great. the campus itself is pretty to look at (excluding the construction areas). the people are friendly. i’ve made new friends and acquaintances, and bonded with some old ones. i’m hanging out with someone almost constantly…something i’m actually not used to, considering my usual introvert tendencies. i don’t have as much time to myself anymore. which has its pros and cons, i guess…it’s different.
academically, maybe it’s just the particular classes that i’m currently taking, but it seems as though my teachers aren’t what i’m accustomed to. i mean, they’re great people, and they’re incredibly intelligent and knowledgable in their field of study, no doubt. but i feel like their teaching styles so far haven’t been matching up with my learning style. something about sitting in lectures while the professor simply spits information out at you, expecting you to absorb it like a sponge, then spit it back out on paper when exam time comes around…it makes me miss music school, where the teachers actually taught you something right from the start, and then continued to teach you something each day after. they didn’t just spit information out, they made sure you actually learned it. they were professional performers, they had this way of captivating the attention of their students and training them in a sufficient way, training them to become professional performers too. they know how crazy you are for being a music major because they were crazy enough to be music majors too and then actually stick with music for a career. they weren’t just teachers, they were role models. musicians themselves. talented, inspiring, passionate artists you could look up to and strive to be just as good as, or eventually be even better than. they didn’t teach at you. they performed for you. they got up on stage in front of their students and showed them how it’s done. then they took you into their personal studio and sang with you. they created music with you, then encouraged and inspired you to create your own. they listened to your music and tracked your performance and progress. then they put you up on that same stage they stood on, and week after week they’d have you show them what you’ve learned and what you’re capable of. they helped each individual student grow. they knew their students by name, but also by sound. because they’ve seen them perform not only in front of an audience but also in their own studios one-on-one, critiquing their students’ every move, every look, every sound; then teaching them how they can make those moves, looks, and sounds even better. they helped you sharpen your particular skills, your talents, your traits, your abilities…and they’d help you turn them into something incredible…
when i was in music school, i used to have this fun thought that music school was like a superhero school. they pushed you, challenged you, sharpened your individual set of skills to be as strong and sharp as they could get them in that time frame from first day of school to graduation day. they trained, equipped, and inspired you to be one of the greats. composers like mozart or beethoven. opera singers like maria callas or lucianno pavarotti. pianists like rachmaninoff or debussy. music therapists like kenneth e. bruscia or meagan morrow. musicians/music professors like lisa clement, matthew crosby, michelle schumann, deborah jones, george hogan, penny hogan…you could see and hear their talent for yourself. their brilliance. their art. and they wanted to train you to be one of them.
true, the subject matter outside of music school is completely different, so you probably couldn’t teach non-music subjects in the same way that you could teach music subjects. and my former universities were smaller in size and population than the one i’m at now, so that’s probably one of the things that makes my current experience so different as well. also, i’m only taking twelve hours this semester (and i’m used to taking fifteen, so i almost feel like i’m slacking). so, perhaps this current semester isn’t exactly an adequate example of how the classes here are overall or what it’s really like to no longer be a music major.…but as a first impression…let’s just say, starting off as a music major seems to have set a high standard for any expectations i had about future semesters. music school was challenging, but it had a way of helping me grow, and feeding a sort of flame that i had within me.
now that i’m here, it’s like they’re striking the match, trying to light a new flame or even just a spark…and maybe it’s just taking awhile for anything to light up. maybe that will change.
…i know i tell this to people all the time, but now that i really am outside of music school, i still believe this statement stands true: music school is a different world.
and dang, it’s an awesome place to be if you’re meant to be in it.
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~ George R.R. Martin
and now…i wait.
1 peter 3:3-4